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Writing
that Makes Editors Grit their Teeth
Adverbs-
Adverbs should be deleted whenever
possible. They are often redundant. For example, if you say,
"She yelled loudly," the word "loudly" is
redundant, because "yelled" implies that it was loud.
Other times, you can show the feeling of the adverb rather than
using the adverb itself.
For
example, a better way to say, "Jenny
walked unhappily to the front door," would be something
like, "Jenny shuffled to
the front door with slumped shoulders and her head hung low."
He
felt/heard/saw/realized/decided/knew/figured, etc: You don't
usually need these phrases at all. When you are in a character's
point of view, the reader knows this is what the character saw/felt
etc.
For
example, "Jenny knew Nick
would knock on her door after dinner." You don't need
"Jenny knew" because we are in her POV, and the sentence
is much less distracting and deeper in her POV when it reads, "Nick
would knock on her door after dinner."
Another
example: “Jenny heard Nick
fall down the stairs.”
How boring. Look at how much better this is: “Nick
thudded and thumped down the stairs, heel over butt, shouting a
slurred curse as his head cracked on the bottom concrete step.”
We can figure out lots of things from this sentence, first and
foremost that Jenny actually heard this happening. We can tell the
fall hurt (his curse), and we can tell he was probably drunk
(slurred speech). The reader can actually picture the scene in their
head with the second example.
Passive
voice: Passive
voice is a biggie. Passive voice should be replaced with active
voice whenever possible.
An example of passive voice is, "Jenny
had been gossiping to anyone who would listen to her all day."
The active voice is always preferred, "Jenny
gossiped to anyone who would listen to her all day."
Anytime you see any form of "had been" or "to
be" followed by a verb (or past participle), you should almost
always try and think of a way to make it active.
And then: The words
"and" and "then" should never be used together,
as one of them is almost always redundant. Sometimes they can be
used in dialogue, because that’s how many people often talk, but
otherwise, one or the other can always be deleted.
Phrases
like, “said/asked/ and…” For example: “Jenny,
you look like a tramp with that lipstick,” Nick said and stumbled
to the stairs. This is often used way too much. When you see
this happening too often in dialogue, break it up. Instead, you
could say, “Jenny, you look like a tramp with that lipstick.” Nick stumbled
toward the stairs. Pursing those red-stained lips, Jenny rushed
behind him and shoved.
Words
like “looked,” “walked,” and “pulled.”
You don’t need to describe every single thing the character does.
You don’t always have to describe them stepping closer to each
other, or walking to the door. And when you do need to use words
such as these, try and think of different ways to say “looked”
like “eyed,” “squinted,” or “glared.” You know you use
the word “looked” too much when you see it more than twice on a
page.
Dialogue
tags and dialogue in general:
You don’t need to end every bit of dialogue with a tag (he/she
said.) It flows more quickly without them when only two people are
talking. Also, overused
words such as "surely," "perhaps,"
"truly," “nevertheless” and "once more" can
distract a reader. One thing that's very hard for writers to do is
to write dialogue as you would actually speak it. Use contractions.
Don't use archaic speech, especially if the character is a twenty
something hot blonde in a tight red dress.
For example, what sounds more natural: "Nevertheless,
Nick, you are truly my soul mate, but perhaps you should brush your
teeth more often, because the odor is surely as foul as death
itself." or:
“You might be my soul mate,
but, man, you've gotta brush your teeth, cause your breath
stinks."
Proper
names:
If there are two people in a scene, you don’t need to intersperse
the person’s name throughout the paragraph.
For example: Nick pat the
bunny on the head. Jenny thought the gesture cute, and she smiled.
Then, Nick stood, cocked back his foot, and kicked the bunny like a
football. Jenny gaped, tears welling in her eyes. Jenny wished there
was a stairway nearby, so she could shove him down it.
Use the
words “he” and “she” instead. But, one word of caution.
Watch out for sentence variation. Don’t start every sentence in a
paragraph with “she” or “he.”
For example, “She pushed
Nick down the stairs. She laughed like a crazy loon. She ignored his
cries of pain. She stepped over him and went out the door, heading
toward the Chinese place with the good Mu Shu Pork.”
Instead, vary the sentence structure. “She
shoved Nick down the stairs, laughing like a movie maniac. Stepping
over him, but still dragging her stiletto low enough so that it
snagged the skin on his back like a fishing hook, she sashayed out
the door toward the Chinese restaurant with the good Mu Shu Pork.”
Words
like “very” and “just.”
For example: "In the very
heart of the forest lived a troll, who was just so very ugly he
turned cute little bunnies into the very stone of the mountain. But,
the troll just loved the bunnies so very much that he just hated
himself and his curse of ugliness. He would just give his very life
to be pretty, like the little black and white animals that wafted a
very nice perfume through the very air as they passed."
Yeah, that may be overdone, but even used a couple times, it gets
distracting.
The
word “that.”
For example, which sounds better? Jenny
looked at him and commented angrily, "Nick, you always have
dandruff! When are you going to start using Head and Shoulders, you
moron!"
Nick
looked at Jenny and spit out, "Amy, you are so dumb. Can't you
tell that its just lint?" or:
Jenny brushed off white flecks
from Nick's navy blue polo shirt. "Geez, when are you going to
start using that Head and Shoulders I bought you?"
Nick scowled, craning his neck
to see the tiny specks for himself. He picked at one and examined it
on his fingertip. "This isn't dandruff. It's lint, you stupid
bitch."
The
phrases “started to” or “beginning to.” For
example, “Jenny
started to get worried when she returned from Lucky
China
and Nick was still lying in a crumpled heap at the bottom of the
stairs.”
You
don’t need “Jenny started” to get worried. It makes the editor
think, “Well, when did she finish
getting worried?” Instead,
you could say: “Jenny bit
her lacquered red fingernail when she returned from Lucky
China
and Nick was still lying in a crumpled heap at the bottom of the
stairs.” The second example shows she’s a little worried,
because she’s biting her fingernail.
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Carnal
Passions
